Mom Central Blog

What we don’t know won’t hurt us – or will it?

It’s shocking how many parents tell angry stories of watching an age-appropriate TV show with their kids, only to have commercials that seem more R than G-rated pop up without warning. In a time when parents are doing everything possible to keep their kids sheltered from an ever more mature media and the dangers they face online, some are starting to realize that advertising towards kids is one thing they can’t really control.

A new study done by the Kaiser Family Foundation looked at exactly this. According to their surveys and focus groups, almost 70% of parents are concerned about the messages advertisers are sending to the kids – and not without reason. In fact, while getting the attention of teens has always been a huge objective amongst advertisers of everything from clothes to cigarettes, the target audience for many ad companies gets younger every year. (Which might explain why so many four year olds are now asking for cell phones and mp3 players, not to mention bringing up questions Mom and Dad were hoping not to have to deal with for another 8 years or so.) Most parents, in fact, are concerned with the influence of the media in general, which is not surprising to anyone who has turned on a TV or thumbed through a magazine lately. A large portion say that they even want the government and TV networks to start more closely regulating content that is broadcast during early evening hours, which is when many kids of all ages can be found motionless in front of TV screens in living rooms across the country. And that includes the content of commercials.

It’s heartening to know, at least, that even though some things are out of a parents control, more and more are taking notice of what their children are exposed to. The use of parental advisories on CDs and ratings on TV and video games are being used by parents more than ever before, and over 75% of parents keep tabs on their children’s online use. Nearly half also use controls on the computer or TV to block certain websites or programming.

Which, despite what our kids might think, is a really good thing. After all, until the government, networks, and companies start doing their part, all parents can do is pay attention themselves. And for once the news on this front is good – it seems like moms and dads are doing a pretty good job.

Image: Benetton Talk

A New Day For The Working Mom

I know I’ve written before about the plight of moms out of work, the women who make the sometimes frightening, yet ultimately fulfilling, decision that they want to return to the work force after having kids, those who seek to finally strike the seemingly mythical balance between work and family – only to find out that there’s no longer room for them in the corporate world. Sure they have advanced degrees and years of experience. Sure they could run the company single-handedly and increase revenue.  But, um, what is this five-year gap in their resumes?

Well finally someone has taken notice that this is a serious problem - not just for these moms and their families, but for the companies who are simply missing out on women who would be huge assets. Women who know what they’re doing, and who do it well. Women who maybe even learned a thing or two about organization, delegation, or how to operate on two hours of sleep since having kids.

Mom Corps, an employment agency in Atlanta founded by Allison O’Kelly, who is both an Ivy League graduate and a mom, is facing this problem head-on. Her mission – and that of her company – is to get these employers to stop turning away moms who are not as available as other potential employees, and to allow them to work part-time.

The company has grown since it was founded 2 years ago, and it now boasts several other metropolitan offices and hundreds of professionals-turned-moms in their databases waiting to be matched with jobs. Many of the employees of Mom Corps fit the same description of the women they are trying to help – mothers who took time off to have kids and had trouble finding a way back to where they were before.

The way they see it is that companies should want to hire the best employees possible – and, if those employees happen to be moms, so be it. By hiring these women part-time, companies will benefit from the experience, hard-work, intelligence, and dedication these moms have to offer, while their families will benefit from having the advantage of both a working and a stay-at-home mom in one. Clearly, it’s a win-win.  We can only hope that Mom Corps isn’t the only company to realize this.

Image: Mom Corps. 

When Parents Disagree

Having recently reading Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Discipline Solutions, it made me really reflect on what to do when parents disagree on disciplining.

Child-rearing is often a sensitive and complicated issue for couples, and many argue about just how to properly raise their young. But for children, major parental disagreement is a source of mixed messages and confusion that may undermine the attitudes, values and behaviors parents hope to teach. Stacy DeBroff, president of the popular parenting website Momcentral.com, offers smart solutions on how to keep chaos at bay.

Parenting disagreements? Threatening the well being of our marriages and our kids? Yep, welcome to the brave new world of today's parenting: with shifting social roles for Mom and Dad, pressure to raise fabulous kids while supposedly being their best friends, and strong parenting preferences by both Mom and Dad.

When most of us were growing up, Mom and Dad held more traditional roles, with Mom typically a housewife and Dad the breadwinner and stern disciplinarian. "Just wait until your Father gets home!" my brother and I got warned on a daily basis. Not so today, as Moms announce in the kitchen, "I do not care what your Dad said! There is no macaroni and cheese for breakfast in this house or TV after dinner. Period." For men and women alike with children, parenting has emerged as a primary focus. And along with the laser-like focus on children has emerged a virtual cauldron of boiling and brewing parental disagreements.
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Trend spotting helps here to see the shifting in parenting styles. Long gone are those June Cleaver days when women considered themselves first and foremost as "housewives." Moms are focusing on being "stay-at-home Moms," we have entered the workplace in record numbers, and Dads have become the most involved parents in history. Plus, ask most Moms and Dad and they will announce how they want to be "best friends" with their children. So much for children being seen and not heard!

When Mom and Dad disagree over even minor parenting issues: the repercussions echo throughout the whole next day and the whole family. For instance if Dad lets the kids stay up way past bedtime, you have Mom at home with an entire day of dealing with a grumpy, tired, unhappy kid or one who resents your more stringent rules. Or it's the working Moms who get reports from a babysitter, the preschool, the teachers, and the after-school about a tired child who is acting out. As parents, Moms rely on having a united front.

Yet what happens amidst this child-focused lifestyle where both parents feel highly vested in their children's success is often a clash about parenting this precious commodity. With both Mom and Dad holding strong opinions about discipline, nutrition and diet, and safety (the most common areas of conflict), parental disagreements abound: contributing dramatically to our country's nearly 50% divorce rate.

Like my husband and myself, kids take center stage in our lives. We devote our lives to pick-up duties and weekend afternoons on the sidelines. Imagine the suburban mom in the minivan or SUV, coffee in the cup holder, dashing a daughter to gymnastics, a son to T-ball, stopping by the store to replace a lost mouth guard, and taking a spare moment to flip through brochures for summer camp. A huge parental fear lurking in the background is that if we don't push, but instead just relax and let our children follow their own inclinations, they will fail somehow, and we will be at fault. In our more anxious moments, we worry about our children's untapped and stunted potential, limited educational choices, and meager job opportunities. So who can throw strict limits into the mix?

Plus, who wants to discipline, admonish or oppress their self-proclaimed "best friend" and center of our universe? And thus, parenting disagreements of how to handle everything from bad behavior to bad grades emerges. Not to mention both parents ducking from being the perceived "bad guy."

Of note, in one recent compelling study 90% of couples reported more arguments after having a baby.

And while all parents disagree over parenting issues, if parenting styles continually clash or fall into extreme conflicts, marriages along with children's healthy development fall by the wayside.

And thus even highly compatible couples can find themselves at a crossroads when it comes to parenting beliefs, styles, or techniques in direct conflict with each other.

Why Not "Agree to Disagree"?
Kids Become Professional Negotiators
Starting at age 3, kids get incredibly smart about playing one parent off another. Why not create a parental clash of wills to get what you want, or go to the more permissive parent on a particular issue?

Kids Emerge Disrespectful
Left unchecked kids end up being manipulative and disrespectful outside the house with teachers, adults and even employers. The sense of manipulating adults to get what you want starts to pervade children's attitudes toward other adult relationships.

One Parent Throws In The Towel
One thing that can happen is that out of frustration, one parent eventually gives up, and refuses to get involved, even in the case of really bad behavior or child safety being at risk.

Relationships Collapse
If you cannot get past these parenting differences, couples often end up split up. It creates deep marital tension if one parent always ends up being the bad guy.

Welcome home, everyone!

With so much changing rapidly in society and in today’s families, it’s unusual to see throwbacks to the past. But get ready for a trend you may not have seen coming – multigenerational living.

A recent article out of Seattle unveiled this trend as architects, and homebuilders’ newest view for the future of homes, and their inspiration came from the increased number of extended families already living under one roof. In fact, 62% of architects surveyed by the National Association of Home Builders expect a huge increase in the number of second master suites put into homes in the next 8 years.

While it may seem surprising, experts claim they saw this trend coming a mile away. Baby Boomers find themselves taking care of aging parents in increasing numbers, and with quality care being so expensive, some have been taking their parents’ care not only under their wing, but under their roof as well. And with the boomerang kids returning home in droves, parents better start making room.

Multigenerational living was a hit in the past, and not just for economic reasons. With parents and grandparents living together comes built-in babysitting, not to mention large family dinners and quality time to connect. Plus, with separate apartments or wings built into one house, each subunit can still have its own independence while remaining close to everyone else.

Clearly lifestyles have been changing lately, but it’s nice to see that even in today’s turbulent society, family still comes first.

Image: Getty Images

No More Pencils, No More Books…

It happens every year. June rolls around quickly, and, with it, the last day of school for kids across the country. As soon as that day of freedom comes, with kids’ thoughts miles away from classrooms and homework assignments, parents are already worrying about the new school year only three short months away. Will my kids forget everything they’ve learned this year? What should I be doing to help them during the summer? What am I going to forget to buy them next year? How am I going to come up with another year’s worth of healthy, yet appealing – lunches? Will I still be able to help my child with his math homework?

Well, stop worrying, Moms. Instead, log on to www.back2school2007.com. The website is new, set up by the PTO, and contains not only the answers to all of those questions, but also to every other one you could possibly come up with. With information about back to school shopping, how to get involved in your child’s school, ways to help your child succeed, what the curriculum of different grade levels consist of, how to help your child get rid of stress, and tips for getting organized, along with links to other helpful sites, blogs, quizzes, news, and more, this is a mom’s one-stop website for everything back to school related.

This way, when September rolls around, we’ll be as calm and collected as we were in June. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a nice day at the pool without worrying about school for once. After all, that’s what your kids are doing.

It’s Getting Easier to be Green

According to BabyCenter, LLC., more and more mothers are going green. Why? Well, because of their children, of course.

Moms say that they are engaging in an increased number of environmentally friendly behaviors since becoming moms, putting more thought into both what’s safe for their children and what’s safe for the world that they will be leaving to their children. Which is not a surprising finding. Although it’s certainly true that more and more people in general– not just moms – seem to be “going green” these days.

That could be because it’s getting easier. With everything from all-natural cleaning products to organic baby food and clothes, it doesn’t take a lot to be a green mommy. In fact, sometimes it’s hard to avoid. It’s getting increasingly difficult to know if marketing is answering the call of moms or if it’s the other way around, but, either way, people are starting to pay attention to the effect that their everyday activities have on the environment.

True, BabyCenter only spoke to 1,000 moms, but any trip to a grocery store, a car dealership, even a furniture store (where they are now carrying organic furniture) will tell you that eco-friendly living is becoming quite the trend. Plus, with celebrities like Sheryl Crow and Leonardo DiCaprio touting the benefits, it’s hard not to notice.

It makes perfect sense that moms would care. After all, once they have children, moms take on responsibility for a whole other life – one they want to keep safe and healthy forever. Plenty of parents recognize a need to change their lifestyle for their kids – they travel less, stop riding their motorcycle, and now they buy organic. And while not all mothers might jump on the organic diaper bandwagon, it wouldn’t hurt to start recycling.

Image: Vanity Fair

Fearless Friday!

Its a blogger BONANZA! www.Mother-Talk.com has started up a new trend to have women within the blogsphere to write on a single suggested topic. Today, fearless Friday in honor of Arianna Huffington's new book On Becoming Fearless...in Love, Work and Life.

I've had such fun once I became a fearless pursuer of life transitions. Having transformed myself from a lawyer running Harvard's public interest office for a decade to being the head of my own company, best-selling parenting author, and forming my own mom marketing firm. It's been such an adventure, and one that has fit in so well with having kids ages 13 and 14 (they think I'm a stay at home mom as I'm there to greet them most days after school!)

Ten years ago, I went from being a lawyer having founded the public interest advising office at Harvard Law School to deciding I really needed to be more available to my kids and so I left to embark on a completely, radically different career of writing parenting books. At Harvard, I was recognized as one of the top lawyers under 40 by American Lawyer Magazine, and the lawyer of the year by Masschusetts Lawyer's Weekly.

It felt like bungie-jumping and hoping that the cord holds as you plunge headlong into a complete transformation. Gone were the 12 lawyers in my office and 1,600 law students that trooped through my office each year to a home office peopled with a few college students.

It reminded me of a quote that I memorized as a teen from Dune of all things about being brave, and it goes something like this (okay, it has been a couple decades!): "I will face my fear. I will let the fear pass over me and through me. And when I have turned to look in fear's path, there will be nothing to fear at all."

It turns out that forcing myself to be fearless turned out to be fantastic.

I founded Mom Central, Inc. and my parenting books have lead me to becoming a best-selling author. I have a community of over 15,000 moms who I email every month with tips and advice.  I'm totally accessible to my kids while still being a role model for a successful, dynamic career. I can pick them up from school, I can be here when they get home to hear about their day, and we have so much more time to hang out together and go on adventures. It just goes to prove the saying do what you love!

Plus, I highly recommend re-inventing yourself, in fact, I think that everyone should every ten years! It may take a leap, but it is well worth it.

So thanks to Arianna Huffington for reminding us about facing and surpassing the fears that hold us back from self-actualizing.

The Wicked Child

A recent article about a new book caught my eye. The book is Bad Children Can Happen to Good Parents, the author is Norman E. Hoffman, and the message is, well, that some kids are just plain bad.

Now, some parents of difficult children are probably happy to hear someone support the notion that it’s not their fault. They’ve suffered too long under the burden that they had done something horribly wrong that turned their children into a force they can no longer control. But to call some kids naturally “thoughtless, cruel, and manipulative”?

Sure, there are children with genuine behavioral problems, there are difficult and stubborn children who just won’t listen, and there are those parents who let their kids get away with far too much and cause them to become unruly and – dare I say – bratty. But can children be naturally evil? I tend to take issue with that suggestion. We’re not talking about Chucky here.

I think we have to assume that when a child is difficult, there is an underlying problem – be it parenting, environment, a specific event – and sure, even temperament, when combined with some of those things. So, despite what Hoffman may say, for now I think I’ll refrain from suspecting that the 3-year-old throwing a tantrum in the grocery store is actually a power-hungry manipulator guiltlessly trying to control and deceive his parents.  He is, after all, just a kid.

Image: Amazon.com

Teaching Children to Read Becomes a Battle

While everyone agrees that teaching children to read is central to any education, it seems lately the federal government and local school districts have been clashing over how best to get it done.

Reading First is a program stemming from the Bush administration that is meant to teach the nation’s disadvantaged children how to read, and gives $1 billion annually to states in the form of grants. The program uses a phonics-based approach, rather than other approaches which use pictures or context cues to teach reading. Federal officials claim that only curriculums emphasizing the mechanics of phonics were supported by scientific studies and would meet the demands of the program. Schools that failed to change their curriculum, such as many districts in Kentucky, New Jersey, Maine, Massachusetts, and Illinois, were either pressured to do so or punished by being rejected for grant money.

The Education Department’s inspector general, however, claims that federal officials may be at fault for violating certain laws that prevent them from mandating specific curriculums. The program’s emphasis itself has also become the subject of debate in many schools. Federal officials point to the growing number of children who go through schools and yet fail to learn to read as evidence that reason-based programs that are being used in many of these schools don’t work. Other experts, however, claim that emphasizing phonics at the expense of comprehension puts children at a disadvantage as they move on to more advanced reading. With conflicting research and many schools unwilling to change their approach, this debate will likely continue.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the program was adopted but ultimately discontinued. School districts there say that the fact that their schools’ reading proficiency has increased in recent years proves the success of their own methods. A guide put out under Reading First, however, claims that this improvement is not sufficient evidence that their program is effective, and their approach is faulted for a lack of uniformity. Kathryn Howe, who works at the University of Oregon’s Reading First technical assistance center, seemed to think that dropping Reading First was a good decision for the district, as the program did not fit in with their current program. For schools that do make the change, however, only the future will show how effective these new strategies truly are. Yet for most parents, the main concern most likely remains the end rather than the means.

Image: Getty Images

Apparently We All Have it Wrong

By now, most people have seen, or at least heard about, Leslie Bennetts, who warns that it’s important for all mothers to remain career women even after bringing home baby – or else. Bennetts new book, The Feminine Mistake (which, by the way, is dedicated to her babysitter), claims that women are appallingly misinformed. They should not stay home and raise their children; rather, they should recognize that ours’ is an age of divorce and unemployment, a time when a husband can suddenly become ill or injured, lose the family fortune, turn to alcohol, or have an affair. Bennetts cautions that it is incredibly risky to give up one’s job and place all hope on a man. And in case you’re a stay-at-home mom and already offended, you might not want to pick up Bennetts book, as she speaks only disparagingly of mothers who have chosen to stay home.

Well okay, there’s a certain financial sense to what Bennetts is saying. Today’s society does bring with it the risk of divorce or unemployment. But caveats abound, and Bennetts seems to be missing something significant here.

For example, what happens when a child is sick and requires the focused attention of a parent? What if a child has a learning disorder or a behavioral problem that also needs more attention than a babysitter or daycare center can provide? Maybe a child hits a rough patch, or a mom simply can’t earn enough to pay for viable childcare. In these cases, it is, more often than not, a mother who makes a career sacrifice for the sake of her child.

We also have to consider the fact that many moms grew up with that nurturing June Cleaver ideal, and feel that, if they remain at work full-time, they won’t be raising the type of kids they want to see brought into this world. This is a risk everyone takes – in fact, it’s really all about risks. If you work, you take the risk that your children will be missing out on the benefits of having their mother around full-time (not to mention the fact that you might miss out on some of the joy of watching them grow up), while, if you stay home, you take the risk that something will happen and you will have a difficult time returning to work, especially with the salary you might desire.

Sure, it’s theoretically compelling to be a ready earner at all times, no one would argue with that. But Bennetts seems to be assuming that all decisions regarding parenthood are made from a financial standpoint. Which is a sad thing to believe. But Bennetts says she speaks from experience, and regarding her regrets, claims, “The main thing I regret is that I wasted so much energy feeling guilty about stupid things, things that are just not important in the long run.” Maybe not important to Bennetts, but a child just might have a different view of things. Try explaining to your 8-year old that her school musical just isn’t as important as the fact that you need to put in extra hours at the office, seeing how Daddy might one day run off with another woman and leave you high and dry.

You know, now that I think of it, with the cost of raising a kid up to about a quarter of a million dollars now, if you want to get ahead, maybe the answer is not to become a parent at all. I mean, three kids, $750,000…think of all that money you’d save. Well, maybe that can be the subject of Bennetts’ next book.

Images: Huffington Press and Amazon.com